Where?

Have you ever looked around and wonder how you got to this new place? Because I sure am. Here I am, majoring in creative writing. But I'm not a writer. I really wanted to study the classics in college. But no. My college doesn't have the classics. I really didn't do myself justice with college. I had the opportunity to go to TU, but I turned it down in order to live away from home. But the place I chose is so un-me. It's not the me I was and it's not the me I want to be. It's some other, alternate universe place.

Thus I am bound and determined to not let that happen with law school. My friend talked me into going to law school. And she wasn't even coaxing, it just happened. Anyway, I'm going to check out a lot of places because I don't want to be boxed in again and choose the lesser of two evils.

I have so many changes I want to make. Personal changes. But I have to wonder, why do I want to change myself so badly? And is it really so bad that I want to change so much?

There's this blog. I've made reference to it before. Notes From the Trenches. It's a mothering blog, which I certainly am not. But I love how she writes. I would love to write like her. She's so honest and smart and funny. She doesn't just sit and bitch or type out her thoughts...she tells a story. Even if you don't have kids, you should totally read it. I wish my blog would someday be as big as hers. But I don't think I have any readers.

I think I want to go back over my main goal. I'm unhappy. I'm very unhappy with the way things are going right now. I can't blame anyone for that. Although I can say that certain people make me feel worse than others. All my life I've been the one that people depend on. I've been the mom to various groups of people. I've been level-headed, rational, and boring as hell. I don't want that anymore. I want people to wonder about me. I want to be late to something and catch attention for it. I don't know how many of you have seen Because I Said So, but I want to be a bit like Mandy Moore's character in it. A bit of a klutz and not very organized. I want to be funny and entertaining to people. But I also want to capture them in a way that is remarkable.

I've gotten to the point where I realize that I don't really know what I want. I mean, I have some general idea about where I want to end up. And I know the most obvious steps to getting there. But I still don't know where exactly. I go back and forth on the issues at hand. Right now I'm VERY gung ho for law school. But what about next week? Next month? And next year?

I'm sure that people, especially those who are wiser and more mature, will say that it's OK to not know. And I agree. I can't know how this is all going to end up. But it's so stressful because I don't know if what I'm curently doing is jeopardizing what I want.

For those of you who are where you want to be: how did you get there? I don't mean your steps. But your journey. What was it like? Did you get there by accident? Did you almost get there not at all? And how did you know that where you are is right? How did you know that what you did (to get where you are) was right?

My Quest

I think I'm succeeding in my quest. Who knew that it would come naturally, as a matter of course? I am an English major. I am taking 4 English classes this semester and a sociology class, which has promised TOO MUCH reading and writing. There's no way that I can possibly get it all read in time. So I am perpetually showing up to class without having finished my readings. It's kinda exhilerating flying by the seat of my pants. For instance, today I said that I loved something at the ending of this short story. I didn't read it. I just made a movie reference. And it worked.

Hopefully things will become more undone as time progresses.

I got my new phone over the weekend. I'm VERY excited about it. I can download songs onto it and then use them as ring tones. I've been planning who gets what song. Not everyone will get one because there's just not enough space. But the people I most talk to get them. I had grandiose plans of using this Dean Martin song, Daddy's Little Girl, for my dad's cell phone. But it's just not him and me.

Oh yeah! Another mark of disorganization! I'm forgetting to write down things in my planner and on my weekly desk calendar.

I hate Joseph Conrad. Not the person, specifically...But his writing kills me. I hate it. I had to read Heart of Darkness for class in high school. Loathed it! And now in my short story class we're focusing on him for, I think, 3 weeks. It's going to kill me. So, make sure you enjoy this blog because in 3 weeks, I'll be dead.

I kinda hate taking all of those English classes. I haven't read the right books. I feel totally inferior to the people in the class because they've read these amazing books that either I've never read or have never heard of. I'm not sure which case makes me feel worse: not reading a book they mention or having not heard of the author/story they mention.

I wish I had more time in the day because I want to read my own books. I want to finish The Fountainhead. I love the story, but I'm ready to see the lives of the characters be resolved. I think they've been through enough. I think they've hurt themselves enough. And I want to see them be OK because it will assure me that I will be OK. I really relate to these characters, one in particular: Dominique. I wish I could be as strong as she is. I'm doing the same thing as she is in the second part of the book, except she's safer about it. She doesn't care. She might realize later on that she cared the whole time. But presently, she doesn't care, she's not hurt.

I guess that's the trouble with me. I connect too deeply with certain characters in literature. I'm one of those people who cares too much, but wishes she cared too little for the situation. I'm going nowhere. I'm just writing an inner monologue. If you want me to continue expounding my literary life, then let me know, via comment.