Baseball

I love baseball. My favorite team is the New York Yankees. I know. Most people hate the Yankees for the sake of hating the Yankees. Personally, I have a lower opinion of Boston fans than I do of Yankees fans. The Boston fans just seem like snobs. That's just my perception, so no offense if you like Boston. It's mostly from watching the games.

Anyway...baseball. I can't explain it. But I love it. All year I yearn for opening day. I can't wait. I get so excited and happy for opening day.

That MasterCard commercial where it's about spending a week with your favorite team nearly makes me cry. I LOVE that old guy with the sign that say, "Yankees Need a Win Today." It actually became my mantra last night. You see, we were playing in Boston. On Friday we came from a 7-2 deficit and won. 6 runs in the 8th. Wonderful. Then we got our asses handed to us on Saturday. But that's OK. There was still Sunday. It was 1-1 through most of the game. Then with 2 men on, 2 men out, my hero Derek Jeter came up to bat. I was so scared because I knew this was our one chance. I couldn't watch. I changed the channel. A few minutes later, I flipped back. Derek did it. We were up 4-1! To add an element of fear in the adoring fans, my Yankees let those Bostonians score 2 more runs. It was 4-3. Then, they loaded the bases. I was freaking out! Two out, bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, and who comes up to bat? Big Papi, that's who. I was so scared! Of course I wanted that S.O.B. to go out on strikes, but Yankees Need a Win Today. I was willing to take it any way we could get it. It was a fly and Derek caught it. Yankees won. I almost cried. I'm not even joking. I almost cried.

I restrained myself from shouting at this amazing feat. I didn't want my roommate to come in and bug me. But I was so happy!

Many people think I like the Yankees only because they're "good" or "rich" or something like that. Let's see...we haven't won the World Series in AGES! I liked them before that though. My dad watched the Yankees since he was a kid. And so, I'd watch the Yankees with him. It's not like I jumped on some bandwagon, like so many "fans." Believe me. I'm from Oklahoma. I understand band-wagoning. Seems like it happened a few years ago with some little football game...

Anyway...that's my take on the Yankees. It's not about the money. It's not about the prestige. It's about the honor of the tradition.

After all, The Yankees Need a Win Today.

Where?

Have you ever looked around and wonder how you got to this new place? Because I sure am. Here I am, majoring in creative writing. But I'm not a writer. I really wanted to study the classics in college. But no. My college doesn't have the classics. I really didn't do myself justice with college. I had the opportunity to go to TU, but I turned it down in order to live away from home. But the place I chose is so un-me. It's not the me I was and it's not the me I want to be. It's some other, alternate universe place.

Thus I am bound and determined to not let that happen with law school. My friend talked me into going to law school. And she wasn't even coaxing, it just happened. Anyway, I'm going to check out a lot of places because I don't want to be boxed in again and choose the lesser of two evils.

I have so many changes I want to make. Personal changes. But I have to wonder, why do I want to change myself so badly? And is it really so bad that I want to change so much?

There's this blog. I've made reference to it before. Notes From the Trenches. It's a mothering blog, which I certainly am not. But I love how she writes. I would love to write like her. She's so honest and smart and funny. She doesn't just sit and bitch or type out her thoughts...she tells a story. Even if you don't have kids, you should totally read it. I wish my blog would someday be as big as hers. But I don't think I have any readers.

I think I want to go back over my main goal. I'm unhappy. I'm very unhappy with the way things are going right now. I can't blame anyone for that. Although I can say that certain people make me feel worse than others. All my life I've been the one that people depend on. I've been the mom to various groups of people. I've been level-headed, rational, and boring as hell. I don't want that anymore. I want people to wonder about me. I want to be late to something and catch attention for it. I don't know how many of you have seen Because I Said So, but I want to be a bit like Mandy Moore's character in it. A bit of a klutz and not very organized. I want to be funny and entertaining to people. But I also want to capture them in a way that is remarkable.

I've gotten to the point where I realize that I don't really know what I want. I mean, I have some general idea about where I want to end up. And I know the most obvious steps to getting there. But I still don't know where exactly. I go back and forth on the issues at hand. Right now I'm VERY gung ho for law school. But what about next week? Next month? And next year?

I'm sure that people, especially those who are wiser and more mature, will say that it's OK to not know. And I agree. I can't know how this is all going to end up. But it's so stressful because I don't know if what I'm curently doing is jeopardizing what I want.

For those of you who are where you want to be: how did you get there? I don't mean your steps. But your journey. What was it like? Did you get there by accident? Did you almost get there not at all? And how did you know that where you are is right? How did you know that what you did (to get where you are) was right?

What the Hell?

I have trust issues. I am one of those people who is not so forgiving to those who violate my trust. Especially as I get older. I mean, honestly, you're an adult. You don't need to go be a little gossip. I things I say to my roommate should be held confidential. I think that's not too much to expect or ask. So when I want to bitch a little about what a jerk my ex boyfriend is, you really ought not tell your brother, who is friends with my ex's new girlfriend. Isn't that fair? If I'm completely out of line on this one, please tell me.

Back to my trust issue. I don't know why I have it. It's not like something catastrophic happened when I was a small child. My parents are still married to each other. I haven't learned any dark secret that rocked my world. Yet my trust, once broken, is hard to get back. I know that there are some instances when one needs to break confidence, but honestly, I'm not plotting to hurt anyone, so keep your damn mouth shut.

Now I have to essentially be a bitch because there's no way I'm going to share a thing with my roommate. Interesting how we haven't been living together for one month yet and my trust has already been violated.

In other news, I don't have anything nice to say to anyone today. It's not that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I'm just surrounded by meddling a-holes. But I'm going to be civil. Why? Because I can't help myself. The times when I've been completely justified in flying off the handle are times I haven't acted. I never act. But I'm getting better than I used to be. I will actually argue back or voice an opinion. I see a battle as when two people disagree and both voice their opinions. It doesn't need to be a siege or some duel to the death, with one bloody person screaming uncle and will need therapy till kingdom come. A battle is saying, "No. I won't spend $50 or more to cover a couch when I don't give a flying flip if it's covered."

If that's not a battle, what is? Please. I need to know. I need to start fighting. I need to start standing up for something so that I don't fall for everything.

I'm pausing my reading of The Fountainhead. I started reading it with someone and since I'm about 100 pages closer than they are, I'm going to wait. In the mean time, I'm reading On the Road. I haven't started it yet. I don't know that I'll like it. But I think I'll take something from it. Isn't that a mark of maturity? Being able to say, "OK, I didn't like that book, but I learned XYZ from it." That seems mature to me.

And maybe it's a bit immature of my to refuse to read Joseph Conrad for one of my classes. But I don't really care. To me, his books are formulaic. Change the name, change the hair color, change the setting, change the natural disaster and Conrad has a new story. It's just like a Danielle Steele novel. His long novella, Typhoon, was summed up in 5 lines. Conrad has this amazing (not in a good way) way of using 500 words to describe something that could be summed up in 5.

He also doesn't do female characters. I just can't relate to a bunch of guys on a ship who don't even get horny. If they got horny once in a while, I'd be able to relate some. But it's like sex doesn't even exist to these guys.

Here's another what the hell thing, but has nothing to do with books. Why don't mirrors have some sort of protector on them? I hate having toothpaste marks on my mirror!

I just put on my dark makeup for the first time in months. It's not as dark as it was. I don't have on any eyeliner, just the eyeshadow. It's looks great! I love how it makes my eyes sparkle! And my eyelashes look fuller and longer. I can't believe people didn't like this makeup on me.

As always, talk to me! Tell me something.

One Where I Beg at the End

I hate how my professors each think that their's is the only class I'm taking.

Another thing I hate is that I have interesting stories to tell on this blog, but I can't tell them because I have to protect the guilty.

Today cannot possibly be Sunday. There is no freaking way that I can be going back to class tomorrow. I have an impossibly long to-do list. Not to mention an I-Want list.

I have to read these 3 articles and write a critique on them and about a million other equally boring readings for this one class. Then I should start doing my discussion essay for this other class, even though it's not due for a while. I just don't want it to come and bite me in the ass. Then I should read another act of Pericles, simply because I should stay ahead in that class. Then I have to read these poems for creative writing, so that we can do a workshop over them. Lastly I have to read the General Prologue and the Wife of Bath's tale of the Canterbury Tales. And I need to return something a Radio Shack.

My I-Want list is much better. I want to watch a few discs of my M*A*S*H collection. I want to read the Fountainhead. I want to play some more on my ringtone making software that I just got. I also want that knot in my stomach to go away. But that's not something I can do.

Do you ever just sit there and watch what is happening and see all of the hurt and frustration and futility of action with a situation? I'm sure that's a ridiculous run-on sentence, but I don't care. I don't know how much more of it I can take. I'm only one person. While this is going on, you want to make some drastic action, make a bold statement. But you know it's futile. Maybe you know it's futile because you've already tried and failed, maybe you just know.

I'm about to be more open and honest than I really want to be. But I can't help it. I'm tired. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of aching. I'm tired of incessantly giving and getting nothing except cruelty in return. I'm tired of feeling inadequate. I'm tired of feeling subhuman. And above all, I'm tired of caring. I would love nothing more than to break this awful cycle. I know that the change must begin with me. But I don't feel strong enough to do it.

I would love to say that big girls don't cry. But they do. Or else I'm just not a big girl, but a little girl. A scared, lonely, hurt little girl.

I don't know what blogs you read, but I found one that I adore. I can't exactly relate to it, but I love it. It's about this woman who has 7 children. It's called Notes From the Trenches. Hearing her stories cracks me up. I would love to have her life. I know she goes through a lot of shit, but she's able to turn it somehow. Maybe that's just my prerogative as a reader. I don't want to overanalyze it. It's a gift that she shares her life with everyone, so I don't want to ruin it for myself. However, it almost makes me want to steal 7 children so that I'd have something to write. I AM NOT going to steal 7 children, but I would love to have 7 children.

Like I said before, there are so many things I could write about, but I have to protect the guilty. I have this one person, whom I constantly allude to (and if you know me, you know who it is), but I can't say their name or be specific about what they've done. Why? Because if by some chance they read this blog, they'll be super-pissed. And other people who just mildly piss me off throughout the day, well, I don't want to put up anything about them because it's just minor irritation and I don't want to start something huge.

I should tackle my to-do list. But I have something to add to your to-do list. I want input. I want to know what you think. I need to know what you think. Give me something. Anything.

The Good and The Bad

While in college I have had the privilege of experiencing some really good things and I've also experienced some really bad thing.

I've noticed that in smaller organizations, the people are so warm and friendly and they really take the opportunity to know and include each individual. They get to know you as a group and as an individual. I recently received the post of poetry editor for a campus publication. The higherups are so wonderful! They actually listen to what I have to say and they want to get to know me. English majors are supposed to be antisocial, but that doesn't mean we don't get along with other people.

I am convinced now more than ever that I want to be like Dominique from The Fountainhead. Honestly, unless something really strange happens, I think I will always want to be like her. She's strong, but she's human. I guess her strength, to me, comes from how well she hides her weaknesses, hides how she feels.

I wish I could do that. I wish I would do that. It would keep me out of a bit of trouble. But that's neither here nor there.

Um, the bad. I don't know exactly what the bad is for this post. I mostly chose that title because if I had just written "The Good" that would be weird.

I'm too scattered right now to contribute much. I want to read my book.

My Quest

I think I'm succeeding in my quest. Who knew that it would come naturally, as a matter of course? I am an English major. I am taking 4 English classes this semester and a sociology class, which has promised TOO MUCH reading and writing. There's no way that I can possibly get it all read in time. So I am perpetually showing up to class without having finished my readings. It's kinda exhilerating flying by the seat of my pants. For instance, today I said that I loved something at the ending of this short story. I didn't read it. I just made a movie reference. And it worked.

Hopefully things will become more undone as time progresses.

I got my new phone over the weekend. I'm VERY excited about it. I can download songs onto it and then use them as ring tones. I've been planning who gets what song. Not everyone will get one because there's just not enough space. But the people I most talk to get them. I had grandiose plans of using this Dean Martin song, Daddy's Little Girl, for my dad's cell phone. But it's just not him and me.

Oh yeah! Another mark of disorganization! I'm forgetting to write down things in my planner and on my weekly desk calendar.

I hate Joseph Conrad. Not the person, specifically...But his writing kills me. I hate it. I had to read Heart of Darkness for class in high school. Loathed it! And now in my short story class we're focusing on him for, I think, 3 weeks. It's going to kill me. So, make sure you enjoy this blog because in 3 weeks, I'll be dead.

I kinda hate taking all of those English classes. I haven't read the right books. I feel totally inferior to the people in the class because they've read these amazing books that either I've never read or have never heard of. I'm not sure which case makes me feel worse: not reading a book they mention or having not heard of the author/story they mention.

I wish I had more time in the day because I want to read my own books. I want to finish The Fountainhead. I love the story, but I'm ready to see the lives of the characters be resolved. I think they've been through enough. I think they've hurt themselves enough. And I want to see them be OK because it will assure me that I will be OK. I really relate to these characters, one in particular: Dominique. I wish I could be as strong as she is. I'm doing the same thing as she is in the second part of the book, except she's safer about it. She doesn't care. She might realize later on that she cared the whole time. But presently, she doesn't care, she's not hurt.

I guess that's the trouble with me. I connect too deeply with certain characters in literature. I'm one of those people who cares too much, but wishes she cared too little for the situation. I'm going nowhere. I'm just writing an inner monologue. If you want me to continue expounding my literary life, then let me know, via comment.

Weekend

I just spent my first night in my apartment all by myself. I was kinda nervous about it. Not only did I lock the privacy thing on the front door (which I guess keeps even the people having keys from coming in) but I locked the deadbolt on my individual door. I wasn't taking any chances. I also turned off the dryer before going to sleep. Usually my roommate and I have no qualms leaving the dryer on at night, but I was too scared to do it by myself. I woke up refreshed though. Except for the fact that my phone had, once again, mysteriously turned off and so I didn't take my medicine on time.

Hopefully I won't have to worry about it too much longer. I think we might possibly be going to get my put on my mom's cell phone plan today, which means I get a new phone. Of course I'm going to dole out over $100 to get the spiffy kind of phone that I want. But what was babysitting for if not to buy the things I want?

I hate packing to go home. True, I have found an easier method for this year. I commandeered a laundry basket from home to throw my stuff in. But it's awful. I have to think about the things I only have in my apartment and are not at home that I will need. It's really stressful work.

I'm trying to hurry up and eat some breakfast and then start the dishwasher. Because I'm paranoid, I don't want to leave right after I start it. My roommate is coming back to the apartment tomorrow, but I don't want it to have flooded. I know. I'm crazy. I know. These thing don't normally happen. But I don't want to take any chances. I don't usually have such good luck and amazing things have been happening lately and I don't want to ruin it. Serendipity: I love you, but you frighten me. You've been unusually good to me lately and I don't want to lose you.

Oh! So remember how the other day I was complaining about technology and creepy people. Well, there's some "guy" that's been texting me and he sent me a dirty picture that I didn't appreciate. He won't stop. And he's blaming me, saying that I'm not giving him a chance to know me and we could have something. I know what you might be saying: turn that S.O.B. into the police. Well, I don't have enough information on him to do it. I have what could be his first name. I have where he could have graduated from high school. And I have a cell phone number. But the police are "too busy" to take care of stuff like that. I guess ticketing people for running yellow lights is more important. I've also heard that unless he outright threatens me, there's nothing they can actually do. Oh how I wish one could block cell phone numbers like one can block screen names on AIM.

Just started the dishwasher. I'm curious about whether or not my roommate will empty it when she hets back on Sunday or if I'll end up doing it on Monday. It's not that it's a huge inconvenience, but I'm the one that ALWAYS empties the dishwasher.

Alright. Well, wish me luck!